Thursday, January 15, 2015
Monday, January 12, 2015
The Historical Account Of
The Battle of Gilead
The saga of the battle between the forces of good and evil, surrounding as they once did the mighty town of Gilead, continues here. After the Sword of the First Paladin was retrieved by forces loyal to all that was good and righty, John Farson and his band of miscreants, Orcs and Goblins searched out and retrieved the dreaded Sword of the Dark Paladin. With this new weapon firmly in hand, Farson gathered his army for a final attack o n the once-blessed city of Gilead. Much of the city ran in terror, and the armies became fragmented. Into the fray gathered four bands of brave warriors and skilled adventurers. They sought the power to counter act the power of the Dark Sword.
The Search For Prophecy
Every good leader knows that in war, the greatest weapon is knowledge. And so Lord Wrenhen of Cookson led a determined and Holy band to seek out a particular duo of prophetesses who roamed the country side. Wrenhen himself was a holy man, a priest who believed in the power of God to impart secrets into the minds of men.
They searched the Elvish trail, seeking the prophetesses. And they searched. And searched, and searched some more. Then someone thought to stop and ask for directions. Indeed, the way was made clear and the prophetesses approached. But wait, all of a sudden, a band of nasty orcs, led unusually by a female, hindered their advance.
Wrenhen knew that discretion was the better part of the valor, and so the order of the day was attack and retreat, attack and retreat. Then, a group of Orc Hunters led by Dorchadas the Shade came to the defense of our priestly crew. The Orcs took a page from Wrenhen’s play book, and attacked when fruitful, while running when necessary. Eragon the Shadow Hunter, a vampire who had insinuated himself with the hunters for his own dark purposes, often abandoned his group, seeking out treasure and glory on his own terms. Yet he did get his pound of flesh, where the opportunity arose.
Hepeterous found his enchanted sword Stormbreaker stolen by one of the orc rogues, yet was able to recover a weapon of his own, when one of the orcs had to abandon the weapon in a hasty retreat.
Meanwhile, with the distinguished fighting prowess of Ryan of Camp and Ripsa the Dark Elf, and the mighty steel of Cyprus Jones, Wrenhen’s band of Holy Warriors was able to stave off the orcish attacks (assisted by the Orc Hunters), and finally find the prophetesses. They found a duo of women distraught of life, but unable to die due to a spell of projection that surrounded them. They soon discovered that only baptism by waters drawn from Lake Gnostos could end the magic that surrounded the women, and then and only then would the power of prophecy pass to none other than Wrenhen himself.
Another search was launched, with more orcish delays. But finally, Lake Gnostos was located, but it was guarded by a mystical wall, that could only be breached by a magical name. That name was spelled out and of course it was none other than the name of the man Jesus Himself. The wall lowered, the water was drawn. It was sprinkled upon the heads of the two elvish ladies, and the power of prophecy did indeed pass to Wrenhen. He learned of the need for a magical power known as the subdual spell, and for the mystical Swords of the Turtle, in order to defeat John Farson. This information was given to the other adventuring groups, which lead to…
The Gathering of the Subdual Spell
The well-seasoned and battle-hardened rogue Nightshade was informed of the need for the subdual spell and formed up a diverse crew of priests, mages, rogues and fighters to seek it out. They first searched for the clearing of the fairies, faring much better in their initial search than Wrenhen’s crew did.
After finding the fairies they were invited to a mystical dance. Most joined in, though Ryan of Ebel found to his dismay that not joining a fairy dance has a terrible consequence...
...basically Ryan died in the first few minutes, (a result of a curse on all those who refuse to join the fairy dance) only to have his life quickly restored by a helpful Elvish lord.
After receiving the first part of the amazing subdual spell, the crew went on to search for the Cliffs of Insanity. And they searched, and they searched, and they searched some more. Along the way, they were attacked by a group of Dwarf/Orc hybrids. This diminutive but mighty group of trouble makers stole weapons, and inflicted some casualties. But the equally mighty band of Orc Hunters once again swooped in to even the odds. Eragon inflicted heavy damage early on, but the Orc Healer effectively counteracted the damage done. It was Jarebare the Wise who finally determined the course of this battle, swooping in and placing some mighty FREEZE spells while the others completely decimated the Orcs they pursued.
As this was taking place, the trickster Arceus Chole took over the weapons and potions shop, and set up one of the shrewdest illegal business ventures it has ever been my pleasure to witness. Particularly entertaining was his constant exchanges with the wily Eragon. The effects of the relationship between these two tricksters on the actual battles taking place would be hard to overstate. Little do most people realize how much of war is actually fought in the halls of commerce.
Meanwhile, Nightshade’s band finally found the treacherous Cliffs of Insanity, scaling the walls to make a rather distasteful deal with the water nymph who ruled over the cliffs. A quick trade led to the second part of the subdual spell being recovered, and the discovery that the final piece of the puzzle could be found in the hands of the Muck Golem that guarded Iobrand Castle.
From there it was a mad dash to the castle and the final battle with the dreaded Muck Golem. This terrible beast all but destroyed the entire band, but was finally felled by overwhelming numbers. The spell now complete, Ryan received the mighty Subdual Spell.
The Poor Beast
In the meantime, another band led by Aunzria the Rogue sought out to find the all-important Swords of the Turtle, capable of slowing down even a powerful wizard like John Farson. They learned that the weapons were in the hands of a terrible beast, who roamed the countryside. They were charged with finding the beast and returning him to return to his once-human form.
The search was an arduous one. The beast, sensing that it was being pursued, decided to hide, and the creature had an ability to camouflage so well it was almost invisible. Again the orcs attacked, though they were quickly neutralized by the now battle-hardened Hunters. More interesting was the discovery of mystical gauntlets that turned their bearer into a half beast half human creature that was effective in battle but completely unable to communicate.
The band would soon find good use for these weapons as they were traded to one Cyprus Jones for information on how the beast itself might be transformed into a human being. Then the search for the beast was on again. It took a copious amount of time, but finally the creature was discovered. The crew had long since discovered that only a kiss would transform the creature. Aunzria went in for the magic to happen.
Hugh Heffner Bouldwin realized at the last moment that the beast was no man at all, but had formerly been a woman. He saved Aunzria a terrible death, delivering the kiss that would transform the beast back into the beautiful girl, who was none other than the missing member of Wrenhen’s own mini-army, Spider Monkey. Thus were the Turtle Swords recovered. Thus was the arena set for victory.
Back at camp, various knights and fighters distinguished themselves in single combat. None so grandly as Geselle the Priest, who healed her fellow warriors countless times. Geselle’s skill as a healer will be sung of for many centuries to come.
The night was filled with chaos and stunted battle, as pitched wars rose up between the various groups and between those groups and Farsons own armies. There was a terrible storm, the result of the war spilling into the fairy planes. There was little chance for valor or to distinguish oneself, but this recount would be incomplete if the massive skill of warriors like Dorchadas, Jarebare, Felix Manwell and Hugh were not mentioned. These warriors dominated in more ways than one.
And through the night, Eragon snuck through the camps, often throwing off all rules of decency and honorable combat. Nobody could be sure of his true intentions, but over time the real scope of his plan became clear. Eragon sought to steal the Dark Paladin’s Sword for himself, and to circumvent the war with John Farson altogether. This he did, which frightened off the evil mage, and ended the war early. But the rest of the fighters were left to wonder, had we simply traded a lesser evil for a greater one? Is the devil you know not better than the one who is a stranger?
NOT The End